Finding Courage Read online

  “I’m fine,” he assured her, but she knew he wasn’t. He didn’t remember his fight with Dr. Murray—didn’t remember being loaded, conscious, into the back of a cruiser and brought downtown. He’d even made a phone call to Ryan the night before, telling him what had happened. All of it was just gone.

  “I’ll come upstairs with you,” she told him. He opened his mouth to argue, but she went on quickly. “I didn’t sleep for worrying. Maybe we can nap together?” It was wrong to lie to him, but Nora would have done anything to get him horizontal and resting. The sooner he rested, the sooner he could heal.

  And then they’d figure out what to do next.

  Cai nodded and reached for her hand. Nora threw a smile over her shoulder before following him upstairs and into his room. He hadn’t been back from the hospital, where he’d been admitted for a horrible case of scarlet fever and pneumonia, very long. A duffle bag was half-unpacked on the floor and a bottle of antibiotics sat on the bedside table.

  “I wish you’d go to the hospital to get checked out,” Nora couldn’t help saying.

  “I’m fine,” he replied tiredly, and kicking off his shoes, collapsed onto the bed. A second later he groaned and pushed himself off. “My mouth tastes like a dumpster.” He didn’t look at her as he stumbled out of the room and down the hall. When he returned, he went right to the bed and fell onto it, feet hanging off the mattress.

  Nora glanced at his shoes. Normally, especially in the wet and snow, Cai would have left his shoes by the door. That he didn’t think of it spoke to how out of it he was. Arguing was getting her nowhere, so rather than continue, she curled up next to him. She grabbed one of his pillows and stuffed it under her head, propping herself up a little so she could watch him.

  His eyes closed, but lines appeared between his eyebrows, and his mouth turned down. Hesitantly, Nora reached out and smoothed her index and middle fingers across his forehead. When he didn’t complain, she stroked him gently. Stroke by stroke, he seemed to relax, the lines disappearing and his muscles loosening. He always held his jaw so tightly.

  Nora let her fingers slip down his temple to the muscle next to his ear and then back to his temple.

  “That feels good,” he whispered. Cai opened his eyes, pinning her with his golden gaze.

  Nora glanced at him before back to her fingers. “Good.” She let out a breath she hadn’t realized she’d held. Apparently they were both tense.

  “Any word on Tyler?” he asked and Nora smiled. Cai hadn’t been home five minutes and he was already asking about the young man he’d taken responsibility for.

  “No,” Nora replied. “Though Ryan did call before we left to pick you up.” He scrambled to sit up, but she went on quickly. “They didn’t tell him anything, and they wouldn’t let him through. We have the same information we did yesterday.”

  Cai sighed and rolled to his back before covering his eyes with his arm. “I can’t afford to take a day off right now. I need to talk to my bosses, see what they’re doing. There are other counselors who may be able to see Tyler if Dr. Murray is blocking me.” He winced. Nora caught the movement from beneath his arm. Grinding his teeth together, he rocked his head from side to side.

  Worry churned in Nora’s stomach. He was not relaxing. Sitting up, she leaned over him. She gripped his arm and moved it away from his face before touching his forehead again. “When I was little,” she said. “Before my dad lost his mind, he used to do this.” She gently rubbed between his eyes and down his temples. “It always put me to sleep. When I got older, sometimes when I was doing my homework, or when I was stressed out, I did it to myself.”

  “Self-soothing,” he replied quietly.

  She smiled as she trailed her fingers down his perfect nose and then back to his forehead.

  “It’s killing me to leave him there all alone,” he said. “Scared. Who knows what Murray is telling him?”

  Fingers stilling, she swallowed thickly. He was probably right. Murray would see Tyler locked in the psychiatric ward of a hospital as an opportunity to continue his study. “What was it that Matisse said about the experiment?”

  “Isolate. Humiliate. Abuse. Attack.” Cai listed off the steps Dr. Murray took to brainwash his subjects. He’d tried to do the same to her, and if it hadn’t been for these guys, he probably would have succeeded.

  Dr. Murray had broken Tyler down until he was a shell of the laughing, funny young man Nora had met at Cai’s youth center. She had been in a dark place. Her foster brother Reid had killed five people at the high school where Nora worked and everyone thought she had something to do with it.

  She hadn’t.

  She’d lost her job and her apartment.

  She’d lost hope that she could achieve something with her life.

  But when Cai, one of the roommates in the house where she’d been invited to stay, asked her to accompany him to his work one evening, she’d agreed. She’d met Tyler. And he called her to the carpet for being a sad sack.

  “Should I have given up?” he’d asked her when she made excuses for herself. They’d both had pretty tough lives, but Tyler wasn’t letting circumstances he’d had no control over determine his future.

  His words stuck with her. And slowly, with Ryan, Matisse, Seok, Apollo, and Cai, she began to crawl her way out of the darkness toward something amazing.

  Leaning over, Nora touched her lips to Cai’s. She was careful because he was hurt and because she didn’t know how he’d react. This thing with Tyler had changed him, turning him from thoughtful and calm to impulsive and angry.

  But when their lips touched, he softened. With a sigh, he cupped her neck, thumb gliding over her chin to her jaw. He held her firmly, but his lips were gentle. Too soon he pulled away from her, but the tension had left his body.

  “We’re going to figure this out,” she told him. If there was one thing she knew, it was that the five guys who’d stolen her heart were capable of anything.

  “I know,” he replied. His golden eyes seemed to blaze. “I just worry about what happens in the meantime.”

  “In the meantime…” she said. “You rest. I have no doubt you and the others will figure this out. But you’re going to need to be at the top of your game if you’re dealing with Dr. Murray and his cronies.”

  Cai’s eyes fluttered shut, but he smiled. “Cronies?”

  “Lackeys?” she corrected. “Minions? Toadies?”

  “Toadies is as good as cronies. Let’s go with toadies.” His voice slurred as he gave in to sleep.

  She went back to stroking his forehead, and in a matter of seconds, he was asleep. She scooted down the bed, hands beneath her head. Cai was truly a beautiful man. His golden hair spilled over his pillow, and she touched the soft strands. Her own hair was long, but the curls were unruly. His hair was wavy, and while such pretty hair would have been feminine on someone else, combined with his chiseled features, height and muscles, it only added to his appearance of strength.

  Or it would, when he’d recovered fully from his illness and this concussion.

  Nora bit her lip, thinking about everything he had put his body through. A soft knock at the door interrupted her thoughts, and Apollo stuck his head in. He waved her over. Glancing at Cai, who was now sound asleep, she inched off the bed and tiptoed to the tall man framed in the doorway.

  As she snuck past him, he shut the door. “How is he?”

  “What’s the worst that can happen with this?” she asked. Apollo was a sports medicine major at Brownington.

  “With a concussion?” he asked. He ran his hand up the back of his head. He’d recently cut his hair again, but had left it a little longer than usual “to keep his head warm.” He studied the hall with dark eyes as he considered it. “Seizures. Disorientation. Behavior changes. Vertigo. Brain swelling.”

  She held up a hand. “We have to get him to a doctor. This is ridiculous. Cai is a smart man. Behavior changes? This is a behavior change. Why isn’t he going to the hospital?”


  “I’ll talk to him again. Maybe once he wakes up, he’ll be a little more reasonable.”

  Nora crossed her arms and glared at Cai’s door. Brain swelling? God. What if something happened to him? He could die.

  “I’m calling 911.” She stepped toward the stairs. There was a landline downstairs, and she was going to use it.

  “Hold up.” Apollo touched her arm. “I get where you’re coming from. But I’m telling you, I think he’s okay.”

  “You’re not a doctor, Apollo,” she snarked, and immediately regretted it. His eyes widened with hurt, and he stepped back. “I’m sorry. I’m worried. And I’d fight him if he tried to keep you from the hospital, too.”

  “I know you would.” He crossed his arms. He’d been working out a lot recently, and the posture made his t-shirt strain at the chest and sleeves. But as tough as Apollo appeared, he was actually very sensitive.

  “I’m sorry,” she repeated. “I didn’t mean to bite your head off.”

  “I know,” he said and gripped the back of her neck to tug her into his chest. She rubbed her face against his shirt, breathing in his scent. In the circle of his arms, she let out a breath. “But this is Cai’s choice.”

  Nora didn’t like his answer, but she understood it. “But if I think for one second that he’s really hurt. I don’t care. I’m calling the ambulance. Understand?”

  She felt his lips on the top of her head. “I do.” He squeezed her once and then released her. “The guys are waiting for us. Come on.”

  Give Me Five

  Nora

  Three separate gazes followed Nora’s descent and self-consciously, she smoothed her hair.

  “How is he?” Seok Jeon asked. He flipped his recently dyed, inky black hair out of his eyes as he waited for her to respond. Seok owned the house where Nora lived with these five guys.

  Her five guys.

  When Ryan Valore, a law student working with her Legal Aid lawyer, offered her a place to stay, she never imagined she’d fall in love with him and his roommates.

  But she did, and now she never wanted to be without them.

  “He asked about Tyler. He’s worried. He won’t go to the hospital.”

  “I’m surprised he lasted as long as he did at Brownington,” Seok replied. “He hates being stuck in one place. It makes him crazy.”

  “He’s not going to go back if he doesn’t think he has to,” Matisse added. “It’s not even worth arguing.” He sat back in his chair and crossed one long leg over another. “Did he say anything about last night?”

  “I didn’t ask,” she replied, ashamed. “I’m sorry.”

  Shrugging, Matisse began to bounce his leg. He may affect nonchalance, but he was worried. “I just wondered if he’d remembered yet.”

  “I don’t know,” she said. From his place next to the window, Ryan held out his hand and she went to him. He wore a wool sweater, and it scratched her cheek when she leaned against him.

  “It’s okay,” Ryan said. “We’ll figure it out.”

  “Have you talked to Professor Bismarck?” Nora asked him.

  Professor Bismarck was Ryan’s law professor at Brownington College. He was Ryan’s mentor and had helped them navigate Nora’s legal troubles in the aftermath of the shooting at Alexander Twilight High School.

  “Sort of,” Ryan replied. “Though he doesn’t have the whole story.”

  Nora leaned back to stare up at him. “You mean about Dr. Murray’s study?”

  He nodded. “We have to talk about it. To expose Dr. Murray means exposing what Matisse did.”

  Matisse dropped his foot to the ground with a thunk before leaning his elbows on his knees. “I think it’ll be fine.”

  “It is a big deal,” Nora said. As a teenager, Matisse had hacked into the US Patent Office’s computer system and had nearly gone to jail for it. “Dr. Murray works for the Department of Defense, as well as Brownington. The government isn’t going to give you a pass for hacking into two of their systems.”

  “She’s right.” Seok pulled at the newly black strands of hair that fell across his eyes. “You’re not going to prison. And we can figure this out without exposing what you’ve done.”

  “I would hope that people would be horrified enough by what Dr. Murray has done to forgive what Matisse did to reveal it,” Apollo said.

  “This is the government we’re talking about,” Seok said. “And Tisse is essentially a whistleblowing leaker.”

  “Don’t sugarcoat it or anything,” Matisse said, foot tapping again.

  Nora leaned her back against Ryan, reached behind her for his arms and then pulled them around her. “You have me,” she said. “And Reid. And Tilly. And when we get Tyler out, we’ll have him. There will be enough circumstantial evidence without Murray’s files. I think the public will be with us.”

  “I think you overestimate the public’s compassion,” Seok said. “I saw what they did to you. And I’ve seen—” He stopped and shook his head. “One day you’re the hero and the next the villain. We can’t count on public outrage to sway in our favor.”

  “The detective who worked on my case,” Nora said. “I told him some of what we suspected. I think he’ll help us.”

  “You told him?” Matisse’s eyes widened. “I knew it was weird when he showed up after the house was burglarized.”

  “He was under the impression Reid worked for Dr. Murray. I explained he worked with him. The way I did.” Nora took a deep breath. “I didn’t tell him anything about you getting into his files. All I did was an internet search and handed the result to Vance.”

  Matisse relaxed a little, shoulders slouching.

  “I’d never say anything I thought could get you in trouble, Tisse,” she said.

  “It’s not that,” he replied quickly. “Well, it is a little. But it’s just trusting someone else with information about any of us. It doesn’t come naturally.”

  Now she felt like she’d told a secret that wasn’t hers. Guilt rose in her throat and threatened to choke her. Taking a deep breath, she focused on relaxing. That wasn’t what Matisse was saying. She hadn’t done anything wrong. He was jumpy. After his past involving the law, he was bound to be wary.

  “That was a good idea,” Ryan said. “Detectives are curious. You whet his appetite when you showed him that research, Nor. He’ll dig. I guarantee it.”

  “Ryan’s right.” Seok looked at Matisse while he spoke. “What Dr. Murray has done is worse than anything you’ve ever been accused of. And Nora thought on her feet. It was a smart move.”

  She wasn’t sure, but at the time, it seemed like a good idea reaching out to a person whose job it was to investigate crimes.

  And what Dr. Murray was doing was a crime. Even if the people in his study had signed their consent.

  “If Cai can’t be made power of attorney,” Nora said, changing the subject. “Could one of his bosses? He wanted to call his work, but I forced him to lie down.”

  “Professor Bismarck seemed to think so,” Ryan replied. He let her go and studied the room. Finding what he was looking for, he went to a table and picked up a pile of paperwork. “There’s something called a guardian ad litem. It’s a person who is outside of the courts, outside the state, or even the family. They’re usually assigned to kids in foster care, but there is some precedent for assigning one in cases like this. They make decisions in the best interest of the person they represent.”

  “I had one,” Apollo said. “Before I was adopted by my aunt. But as soon as the court stuff was done, so were they.”

  “Yeah,” Ryan said. He flipped through some papers. “We discussed assigning a guardian to Tyler, but it’s risky. Guardians have a lot of decision-making power, and if Murray wanted to request it, we could find ourselves in a more difficult position. Guardian ad litem is a good first step.”

  “How do we do that?” she asked. If Cai woke up to some progress, it would go a long way. She knew it.

  “Bismarck has already been in touch with
the state. He’s put a few things in motion and made it sound like Cai asked him about it in his role as social worker, so—”

  “You did all this while I was at the hospital?” Nora asked.

  “No,” Ryan replied, smiling and tossing the stack of paper to the table. “I did all that while you were upstairs with Cai.”

  “I can’t wait until he wakes up, now,” Nora said. “He’ll be so relieved.”

  “There’s something else we need to talk about, however,” Ryan said. He glanced at Matisse before sitting in an armchair near the fireplace.

  Taking his cue, Matisse stood and strode to her. He gripped her hands in his and bent his knees to see into her face. “Remember when I spoke to my mother?”

  “About Thanksgiving,” she said. “I remember. She wants you to go home. It sounded like we were going.”

  “We are,” Matisse said. “She’s already sent the tickets.” Nora’s stomach clenched, but she tried to hide how nervous the idea of meeting one of their families made her. He gave her a half smile, and smoothed his thumb over her forehead. “Relax. Nicole will love you.”

  “She knows about all of us,” Nora said. Matisse had included her in a conversation he had with his mother. He’d revealed, albeit a bit cagily, that she was in a relationship with Matisse and his best friends. His mother had merely laughed, not sounding the least bit upset.

  But who knew what would happen when his mother actually met her?

  “How much does your mother know about me?” she asked. “Does she know about the shooting? The police investigation?” Nora bit at her thumbnail. “Should I bring a gift? What if Cai isn’t feeling better?”

  “Mon dieu!” Matisse threw his hands into the air before cupping her face between his palms. “This will be a good visit. I just wanted to warn you. I have a history, as you know, with my dad. Mom claims he wants to make amends.”