Finding Honor Read online

  And dreaming about a third.

  “I need five minutes and then I’ll be ready.” He shut the door, leaving her alone with Matisse again who raised an eyebrow, watching her closely.

  He reached out his hand and all her good intentions flew out the window.

  You shouldn’t be kissing boys right now. She closed her eyes and tilted her head.

  You’ve already kissed his friend. Matisse’s lips captured hers.

  You have a crush on…Her mind emptied as Matisse kissed her again, and again, and again, hard enough her lips felt bruised. He used his tongue, his teeth, his hands. He surrounded her, engulfed her, overwhelmed her.

  “Nora!”

  She jumped away from Matisse, opening her eyes in shock. There was a quick rap before Cai stuck his head in again. “Let’s go,” he said, and shut the door with a snick.

  She licked her lips, tearing her eyes away from Matisse, who was utterly focused on her mouth. “Um. Yeah. Okay.” She took a step toward the door, but Matisse snagged her hand before she could get too far. He brought it to his lips, and kissed the back. It wasn’t a closed mouth kiss. He sucked at her skin so she felt his tongue.

  “I’ll see you tonight.”

  She nodded, and wobbled to the landing where Cai waited. “Are you okay to do this?” he asked her, peering at her closely. “You’re a little flushed.”

  She put her hand against her forehead. She did feel a little warm. “I’m fine. I want to come, if it’s still all right with you.”

  He nodded, his golden eyes warming a little. “Yeah.”

  He held the door open for her and walked her to his car. She got in after him, and buckled as he backed out of the driveway.

  “I have to warn you, the kids will recognize you. And they’re pretty blunt.”

  “I wonder if I’ll know any,” she replied. “Since I subbed at the high school for a while.”

  “One or two maybe. Most of these kids do half-days or have dropped out.”

  Nora sat quietly, thinking about what he said. “So they’re older mostly? Like at least sixteen?”

  He shook his head, but didn’t offer more,

  They drove through the north end of town. The buildings here were older, and not older as in National Register of Historic Homes. These buildings had wide vinyl siding, most of it peeling to reveal stained and rotted wood. The majority of the storefronts were empty, and those that weren’t were gas stations advertising Tracfones.

  Her apartment was in this part of town. In fact, if he kept going north, they’d pass it. It was a tiny studio apartment over a storefront. Her downstairs neighbor had hung a tapestry in the big picture window in an attempt to have privacy.

  “I didn’t know there was a youth center out here.”

  Cai turned down the main road, bringing them toward what locals called the Old North End. “It’s been here about three years now. It’s an off-shoot from the Homeless Shelter, but the whole thing was absorbed by the state a while back. Part of their initiative on mental health.”

  “You feed them?” Nora remembered how she thought he would make them after-school snacks, like ants-on-a-log. What Cai talked about was bigger than an activities center. If it was attached to the homeless shelter and the mental health system, it meant he cared for a much more vulnerable population than latch-key kids.

  “Snacks and dinner,” he answered. “Once a month we have an employment representative, and sometimes we’ll get a Health Department rep. A lot of these kids were wards of the state, or still are. We have a lot of runaways, so they’re understandably wary of anyone who says they work for the state.”

  She nodded, swallowing hard. She knew what he was talking about. There’d been kids in some of her foster homes who had disappeared, like they’d dropped off the planet.

  “What do you do about the kids who are homeless?”

  He glanced at her as he rolled to a stop. “We…It’s tough.” The stoplight was suddenly fascinating. “We don’t want to betray their trust, but we want them to be safe. We usually get them into temporary housing, like a voucher for a motel room, but it’s a Band-Aid. We’re really trying to make connections with them, so we can help them long term. Finish school, or get a GED. Get mental health counseling if they need it. A job eventually.”

  “Are you a social worker?”

  He gave a nod/shrug. “I got my degree in social work, and I work for the state, but it’s not my job title. I’m more of an advocate, or… an ally.”

  “Everyone needs one of those,” she thought aloud.

  He pulled into one of the marginally better kept buildings on the drag. They drove through a narrow gap next to the building and into a dirty parking lot. There was one other car parked there, but there was a basketball hoop, a charcoal grill, and a bunch of camping chairs in a semi-circle. She smiled, picturing a cookout with the kids during warmer weather.

  “This is really nice,” she said.

  Raising an eyebrow like he didn’t believe her, he pulled the keys out of the ignition. He reached behind them to grab a bag out of the backseat and got out of the car.

  Nora mentally shrugged. She’d been in some foster homes that were nightmares. If she’d had a place like this to sneak away to, even for a little while, it would have been heaven.

  She pushed herself out of the car and scrambled after him. He struggled with the lock on a heavy, metal door and then held it open for her. The door led them right into a kitchen. It was recently remodeled, and similar to a cafeteria’s kitchen. There was a long stainless steel island for food preparation, a double oven and an electric range. An enormous fridge stood in the corner of the kitchen, covered in pictures and artwork, like the people here tried to make the place feel more like a home, and less like an agency. Over the deep sink was another piece of artwork, done in graffiti tag style.

  She moved to get a closer look. “I like this.” She studied the room. “I really like it.” Her eyes stopped on Cai, and he blushed a little. She saw a muscle tick in his jaw, but he smiled. “Thanks. I want it to be inviting.”

  She nodded. “It is. Will you show me the rest?”

  He squinted at his watch. “Can I in a minute? I want to start snacks. The kids will take over once they get here, but I like them to have something while they do.”

  “Okay.” She went over to the sink and to wash her hands. It was a little awkward because the sink was really wide and deep. She needed to stretch to reach the hand soap, and it pulled at her side, but she managed it. Cai joined her and she handed him the soap. They washed their hands silently, with Cai turning off the water and handing her a paper towel. He walked over to the fridge and began removing items: peppers, onions, chicken, avocado.

  “Fajitas? Or nachos?”

  “Fajitas.”

  “They’re probably starving,” she remarked. “Feed them as soon as they get in, and then have a late dinner?”

  “Yeah. Usually I have something substantial for right off. I say, snack, but it’s much more a late lunch. For some kids, it’s the only thing they’ve eaten today.”

  Her stomach rumbled in sympathy, even though she’d eaten. She paused as she washed the pepper Cai handed her. She’d eaten today, hadn’t she?

  “You were with Matisse today, right?” he asked.

  Her face flushed and she was glad he was busy chopping behind her. “Yes.”

  “He forgets to eat all the time. Unless you tell him you’re hungry. Which I bet you didn’t do.”

  “I honestly forgot, too.”

  He grunted. “I never forget to eat. And these kids only think about food.”

  “I used to, too. It took years for me to be okay skipping a meal. I don’t usually forget either. Today was just stressful. I’ll eat later.”

  “Stress eater, huh?” someone else said. “Me, too.”

  Looking out of the kitchen, and into the large rec room, she saw a girl. She was taller, and heavier than Nora. Her hair was plaited into long, black braids on either
side of her head. She wore a grey tank top, and green cargo pants tucked into boots, like some kick-ass, dystopian lead character from a movie.

  She stepped forward, holding out a hand. “Hi, I’m Aislinn.”

  “Nora. Nice to meet you.”

  She eyeballed Cai. “They’re going to like her.”

  He shrugged, moving onto cutting the raw chicken into strips. Nora studied all the vegetables and grabbed a baking sheet from under the island, piling the veggies on top of it. Cai opened his mouth to say something, but she interrupted him. “It cooks faster when you roast, and if you don’t keep them in too long, they keep a lot of flavor.”

  She turned the oven on, and faced Aislinn again. “Why do you think they’ll like me?”

  “Hey! Cai?”

  “In here!” Aislinn called over her shoulder. “You’ll see.” Walking into the kitchen, she gave her a little bump with her hip before moving between her and Cai. She diced the chicken without washing her hands.

  “Dude. I’m star…” The voice trailed off as the boy attached to it came into view. “…ving. Hey. You’re the girl.” The boy made a gun with his fingers and fired it off. “The girl.”

  The oven chimed behind her and she put the vegetables in before walking around the table and holding out her hand. “Nora.”

  The boy crossed his arms and leaned against the island. He was dusty and seemed tired, but his smile was pure cockiness. “So did you do it? Did you drive your brother to madness?”

  “Tyler. Christ.” Aislinn shook her head.

  Unlike meeting Chloe in the grocery store, Tyler’s questions didn’t throw Nora into a tailspin. She recognized Tyler, or rather, she’d come across lots of Tylers in her life. He wanted to see what she did, how she reacted, and then he’d behave, or not behave, accordingly.

  Gripping the metal island, she rocked back and forth. “He was my foster brother. He was a good guy for a long time. I don’t know what happened.”

  He considered her for a second before shaking her hand. “It sucks. Sorry.”

  He dropped her hand and walked to the sink, washing his hands and opening the fridge. “What else do we have in here?” he wondered aloud. “Oh!”

  “Make enough for everyone,” Cai called, scooping the chicken and putting it into a pan with oil.

  “Yeah, yeah.” Tyler removed a premade pizza shell and strawberries. He winked at Nora, who walked over to the cabinets and began opening and closing them. She finally found what she was searching for and tossed the jar of Nutella over to him.

  “I like you,” he said, biting into a strawberry before unscrewing the jar and spreading it over the pizza dough.

  “What the hell is it?” Aislinn asked, sniffing at the pizza.

  “Dessert pizza.” Nora grinned at her. “Do you have confectioner’s sugar?” she asked.

  “You know a lot of us didn’t get dental care,” the kid tsked.

  “You have toothbrushes here,” Cai reminded him. “Don’t try to make her feel guilty.”

  “Who’s guilty?”

  It seemed like the kitchen suddenly filled with kids. The noise level rose exponentially as they greeted each other and Cai and Aislinn, who Nora assumed also worked there. She had an air of authority, and seemed to treat the kids with both affection and impatience.

  She shuffled to the side, laying out food, finding plates and cups. A lot of the kids stared at her, but no one approached her as directly as Tyler had. The noise dropped considerably once their mouths were full. The t.v. went on, and there was an argument about whether they were watching t.v. or playing video games, but it was otherwise quiet. Nora liked it. She liked the chatter and the way the volume ebbed and flowed.

  A couple of girls sat awkwardly in a love seat, eyeing the food but not eating. She watched them for a few minutes before going back into the kitchen and grabbing a plate, piling on food and bringing it back out. She found a metal folding chair and pulled it next to the girls. “Can you help me with this? I got too much.”

  She took a bite of dessert pizza. She balanced the plate on her lap, and finished swallowing. She lifted the slice to her mouth again, and gestured to the plate with her head, saying through a mouthful of chocolate. “Go ahead.”

  She thought the two might be sisters, and was pretty sure she was right when the smaller girl waited for the taller one to give her permission. The girl dove in, grabbing a fajita and taking a huge bite. Nora slid a napkin onto the girl’s lap. “Here. I managed to drop a pepper on my lap earlier. Lesson learned.” She finished her pizza, leaving the plate on her lap and studied the room.

  The kids were happy. They finally decided on a show, one Nora didn’t recognize, and everyone was busy. Cai was still in the kitchen. He stood with his arms crossed, leaning back against the wall and listening to Tyler. He nodded often, but she didn’t see him speak.

  “Is Cai your boyfriend?”

  She whipped her head around to the speaker, her face heating. “No. He’s… I’m staying with him for a while. Until I find a job.”

  The girl nodded. “He’s never brought another girl here. It’s usually just him and Aislinn.”

  “And Sidney,” the older girl added. “Or Luke.”

  “They’re the weekend guys, or the specials guys,” the younger girl explained to Nora, who had no idea who they were talking about.

  “Oh.”

  “I’m Emily and this is Ida,” the older one, Emily, introduced herself.

  “Nora.”

  “We know who you are. You substitute at our school sometimes. Your brother is the guy who killed the kids.”

  “I’m sorry.” She wondered if she should leave them alone.

  Ida shrugged. “Wasn’t your fault. We’re going to the Waldorf School until Twilight opens again. They bus us. It’s really nice, actually.”

  “I’ve never been there.”

  Emily snorted. “We never would have either, if it hadn’t been for your brother.”

  “Don’t be a bitch, Em.”

  “Shut up.”

  “It’s okay,” she interrupted. “I mean. It’s not okay, but you can say what you want.” She thought about it for a second, realizing she left herself wide open to all sorts of questions. “I guess.”

  Ida giggled, and so did Emily.

  “Hey.” It was Cai.

  Both of the girls suddenly turned shy, but they replied, “Hi.” She could almost see cartoon hearts float like bubbles around them.

  “You met Nora. I’m Cai.”

  “We know. I mean—” Emily’s face was mortified. “I heard.”

  “This is Emily and Ida.” Nora attempted a rescue and from the relief on Emily’s face, she was successful.

  “Nice to meet you. I’m glad you’re here.” Cai smiled at them, and Nora smiled in response. It wasn’t fair to these girls that he flashed his smile willy-nilly. He clearly had no idea the power a smile, paired with killer eyes, and nice arms had on a teenage girl. “Nora, can you help me a sec?”

  She nodded, her smile disappearing. She messed up something. She stood and gave the girls a tight smile. They must have sensed her unease because their smiles got a little strained as well.

  “She’s not in trouble,” he said quickly, and their smiles reappeared. “Promise.”

  Relieved as well, she followed him through the kitchen and back out the door. He pulled a pack of gum out of his pocket and offered it to her. She shook her head and he got one for himself. “You’re good at this.”

  Shaking her head, she answered, “No, I’m not.”

  “Yeah.” He chewed for a moment, staring at the kids playing basketball behind them.

  “Heads up!”

  Nora ducked, but before the basketball could smack her, Cai’s hand shot out to palm the ball. He tossed it back to the kids. “You are. You’re not all eager beaver. Those girls have been coming for two weeks, and they’ve never stayed more than maybe… twenty minutes? And they’ve never eaten.”

  She tucked her ha
nds into the sleeves of Ryan’s sweatshirt. “I don’t know what you mean. What did I do?”

  “They were never comfortable before. They’re hyper-vigilant. Did you see the way their demeanor changed when they thought I was angry with you?”

  She nodded. “I wonder if they have to be on guard where they live.”

  Cai watched the kids playing ball. “Yeah, I wonder…”

  “What do you do next?”

  He met her gaze. “We build a relationship with them. They gave you their names?”

  “Just their first names.”

  “It’s a start,” he replied. “We want them to feel safe, and maybe in a few days they’ll give us their last names. Then in a few weeks, they’ll tell us where they live. Eventually, we’ll get their story. As long as they trust us. You took the first step tonight.”

  He uncrossed his arms and stepped a little closer to her. He reached forward, and she jerked her head back before realizing what she’d done. Cai stilled, and then, seeing she wasn’t going to flinch, plucked a piece of strawberry leaf from her hair, flicking it away. “Did you want to be a teacher?”

  Feeling embarrassed, she untucked her hands and pressed them against her cheeks. She really wanted to sit somewhere; she may have overdone it. Shaking her head, she remembered he asked her a question. “A teacher? No. It wasn’t something I considered.”

  “Why not?” he asked. “You were a sub a lot.”

  “I couldn’t support myself in college. I needed to get a job, get a home, feed myself. It was all I could do to manage those things.”

  He made a noise, not like he agreed with her, but like he heard what she was saying. It was very noncommittal.

  “So,” someone interrupted them. “Should I have given up? Not gotten my GED? Forgotten about art school, and worked at a MiniMart making sandwiches?” It was Tyler.

  She stared at him dopily. It took her a moment to realize he was throwing her life choices in her face. “How did you know?”

  “I read the papers.” Tyler shrugged. “You had a 3.95 GPA in high school. You could have done anything. I quit high school at sixteen, and I could be a nineteen year old nobody. But I’m striving for something.”

  She didn’t know how to answer. She opened her mouth, but nothing came out. Tyler finally took pity on her and winked. “I’m messing with you. I don’t give a fuck. There’s a foosball tourney about to start. Are you in? It might change your life.”